red_roses_bleed (red_roses_bleed) wrote in rx_emotions,

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Hi... Yeah, so, I was diagnosed with Arnold Chiari (or a chiari malformation) and syringomelia... I won't explain that much, but it creates a fake pain that you cannot describe, comes with ringing in the ears, and if you act now, you get a free sudden rush of pain when you least expect it!! Sound too good to be true? Well, I'll sweeten the deal! I'll throw in head pressure every time you put your hands up! Also, in this offer, you get headaches and throbbing pain... absolutely free! All you have to do is to be born with it...
So yeah, I was diagnosed when I was 8, had surgery when I was 11 or 12, and found out (the hard way) that my fucking prick doctor doesn't believe in pain medicine. It's been almost two years since then, and I went back to shcool a month after they ripped a piece of my skull out. (yeah, chiari is a malformation of the brain... It was either that or die... If only I had the choice, and not my mom...) But yeah, then my teacher was trying to fail me, and I got all pissed and cut myself. Then, it got worse, and I had to tell my mom (yeah, I fear for my life even if I'm the one who's endangering it...). So, I went into therapy, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and now I take Busprion 5mg. (the smallest dose.) It's to help with my anxiety, but I have nothing to help my depression (which has, in fact, gotten worse throught the last 2 weeks.) I've been thinking of suicide and wondered why my mom kept using me as some freak show to start a conversation... I've gotten very oparanoid over the last month. I sometimes believe that everyone in this world is against me, and hat I'm the only real person here (like the Matrix? I dunno, I've never seen all of it). Plus, my mom refuses to get me depression stuff (she belives therapy can fix everything) because I can write beautiful poetry. And she belives that you can only be sad to write good poetry. So I'm trying to keep to myself (because everytime I talk to someone, I have to smile and take whatever they say, and most of the time it's just to critisize me) like Emily Dickinson... But she went insane...
So yeah, I'm dying here... And I can't understand it...
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